I explained how my feet were in hyper space and my mind was a black hole. How I could see the flowers but not the ground. How sometimes I grow quiet and can only hear my very loud internally shrieking. Terror as I fall into the nothingness.

But it is not nothingness. I walked these stairs, made these choices, and got to the top, trusting by the skin of my teeth that I was going somewhere. The end was, of course, not an end. It was a sheer drop into what I could not see.

And, even weighed down my anxieties and fears, I jumped.

Thus me screaming as I free fell into the unknown.

Eventually, reminded by the faith that got me there, I slowed the descent, and felt the connection to the earth again. It was visceral and loud, and I was so grateful. I could trust in myself, I could really believe in what I was trying to accomplish.

And other people believed it too!

I’ve come to find that my joy is in my gut and my anxieties are in my head. If I’m cut off from my gut, my emotions, or the earth, then I’m not feeling anything real. I’m just resting in my fears, a floating head of worry.

As I begin to land into the next phase of my journey, I am thankful that I’m in this emotional place, and that I feel steadied for the first time in months.